It goes without saying that I have certainly learnt a lot this year. A lot about the world and a lot about myself, as well. You see, I always saw myself - quite rightly - as a bit of a quitter. When things got too hard for me, I would throw in the towel: work, finances, relationships,; you name it! If I felt like it was going nowhere, I gave in.
One thing hit me so hard, however, that it basically forced me to stop giving up. Because giving up on yourself when you have nowhere to live would pretty much spell the end of your life.
Why am I writing this now? Because I need the reminder.
For the last three months I have been replaying a battle in my own head on what to do about the continued pursuit of music. Trying to understand what it means to me and whether it is worth my time and effort - which, following getting myself back on my feet through full time work - seems to be lacking substantially.
I need the reminder that giving up will only lead to regret - another perpetual "what if?" question to add to the list of life's mysteries.
I have always been adamant that music - since I began putting my own stuff out there at the age of 19 - would be there for me. As an outlet, as a release, as a community that gives to me as I give to it, and I still thoroughly believe in that.
Time may not be there for me to nurture music the way I did before, but I need to also realise that this is OK. I want to be doing more, and that is where I need this push, rather than sitting back in my complacency, watching the success of others and knowing that through all their own hard work is the overshadowing truth that "I can't be bothered..."
This point in my life is exactly parallel to what I encountered just a number of months ago. I felt it was too hard to continue on, to find somewhere to call home; right now I feel that it is too hard to continue on with music, given my limited time and energy.
The trick is, though, that this particular thought is exactly what saps time and energy away from what is important. The fact that I am thinking about it at all tells me that, indeed, it is something I need to persist with - no matter what the consequences, results or markers.
The hardest thing I've had to learn is to believe in me. I feel that music has been a huge help in me achieving that, and was a big instigator in my not giving up at the very moment when I would probably have been forgiven for doing so.
It's time to repay that debt.