I'm definitely tired, somewhat confused and definitely and completely sapped of much of the goodness I held.
Some experiences, whilst entered in with the right intent, have a way of weakening you, but also strengthening you.
I was a fool to think I would ever be able to work in this industry. The brief time I've spent trying now sees that I don't have anything left to give for others.
For those who aren't sure what I'm talking about: I recently gained a qualification in Community Services, specialising in Mental Health. To gain experience, I applied to live in a 'lead tenant' household, where (supposedly) 2 adults supervise and provide 'life skills' and mentoring to up to 2 youths on Child Protection Orders, in a share housing situation.
It's not a personal reaction to the treatment and disregard I have been apart of in this current housing situation, it is merely a case of trying to be stronger than I actually am and being completely found out when it comes to the crunch.
It has weakened my ability to empathise and hold care beyond judgment; yet it has strengthened my ability to see things the way they are, rather than the way I'd like them to be.
Sometimes people don't make the right decisions. This house is full of those people; including me. I made the wrong decision to come here, and now it is breaking me apart quicker than I can imagine.
I can only truly hope that I can find somewhere to be. I'm lucky enough to team up with two lovely people who are seeking the same sort of stability I am. I hope that luck extends out to finding a place where we all fit.
Today, I'm tired of fighting and I am tired of struggle and I am tired of making poor choices, again and again and again.
This whole experience has revealed to me that I am a fraud; a good actor; someone that can hold himself together if the right questions are asked, but really hasn't got the time, resources or emotional capabilities to 'manage' people or respond with care.
2016 and beyond needs to be for ME and the people I hold as important in my life. I can't surround myself with this type of madness any longer.
I'm sorry, readers, but I needed to do this. I need my friends to know where I'm at, and I don't get to see many of you because of where I moved to. I feel this is the only way to keep people informed.
It's time for a big change and I want you all to be apart of that. You are all my friends and I never ask for much, but I need your support in getting me back to a happy place.