It's sad to acknowledge that the number of times I am waking up with the "I can't do this any more" feeling is increasing.
There is no specific "this;" "this" is broad and "this" extends to everything.
It's work, it's music, it's umpiring, it's Lucy, it's Melting Pot: it's just everything I do.
It just goes to show you that burying yourself in work for hope of the financial benefit isn't worth shit if you lose perspective on everything else. All of the sudden, food tastes bland, nothing feels 'right,' and you lose the grasp on enjoyment.
This isn't the first time this has happened in my life and it is certainly a pattern that presents itself regularly.
You start to lose touch with everything around you and no matter how hard you try, nothing feels the same as it once did.
Most of you who know me well know that I have rarely been silent in my struggles - BECAUSE we need less weakness and more chance to speak out when we need to, when we need support, when we need to feel as if we are not alone.
It has taken so much out of me to fight back from being in such a dire situation last year where I had nowhere to live and no conceivable plan for the future. The constant repair of that has taken a massive toll on me and I have lost the ability to balance the things I see as important. Umpiring kept me sane, my dog kept me hopeful for the future, and my work provided some sort of purpose. All of this seems to have fallen away, and everything feels like a chore.
I don't ask for pity, I don't ask for forgiveness, I don't ask for someone to tell me "everything's going to be OK," I just ask that my friends to know that I need them.
Sending love - always.